As a resident of the suburbs, I don’t really get to go out much, unless I want to see everyone I knew from high school. (Not necessarily a bad thing, but nothin to make into a habit!) So I was really psyched to go out with my friend Win this weekend in the city! We dressed up all cute and got totally pumped to get our dance on.
Knowing how hard we were both going to dance, I brought my flat boots and wore shorts instead of a skirt. After we finished our drinks, we tore the floor apart! We twisted, we twerked! We pivoted! We dropped down low and swept the floor with it! We straight-up worked it OUT. It was so off the chain, we could have kept going all night…until the boys came over to grind. BUZZKILL!!!
I know what you’re thinking. “But you’re a single girl! The only boys you see on a regular basis are your producer, the guys who work in his studio, and your dad! Why are you looking a gift horse in the mouth?”
And my answer is, because all the boys in the club stunk at dancing! All they wanted to do was nastily grind in strange, strange ways.
Granted, I am not giving certain boys enough credit. Back in college, I danced with some guys who owned it on the floor. And I have lots of faith…some boys out there really ARE gentlemen, who do know how to dance without making a girl feel like a ShamWow that’s been soaked in sleaze, hair gel, and Axe body spray.
But this type of boy was not out last night at Club Prime.
I should add — the club was great and so was the music, so those variables are accounted for. Each male dance-related faux pas was the boy’s own fault!
Here’s a list of ridonkulous moves some dudes actually put on me!!! Read it and weep.
TOP 10 GRINDIN’ PARTY FOULS OF THE NIGHT
1. One guy lifted his arms over my head, and subsequently locked his arms on top of mine with his dry, scaly, winter-skin hands. Not only did he prevent me from moving in any way that felt natural, but my own arms were squeezing my boobs together, and it hurt! Uncool.
2. Gross guy: (while completely invading my space in a way that was inappropriate) “MMMMMmmmmmMMMMMmmmmmMMMMM…I LOVE the smell of your hair. What IS it?!”
Me: “Uh…hair.”
Gross guy: “It’s AMAZING. MMMmmmMMMMm”
Me: “Oops, bathroom break!”
3. Another guy grabbed my lower midriff with his entire forearm and pressed it towards him, as if I needed the Heimlich maneuver to the tune of Flo Rida. Help, I’m choking on lame.
4. I was totally feeling a song–and the guy’s pretty good–until the dude started screaming questions in my ear. “SO!! WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!?!”
Of course, it took 10+ tries just to hear each other’s names correctly. Listen, grinding is basically spooning to a beat; conversation can be awkward. We can totes chat later after we Facebook-friend each other.
5. Two words: drunk breath. Next!
6. “No” to the hunching over with your face in my neck, forcing me to also hunch over. This just looks like you’re helping me to vomit every time the beat drops. And HURL! And VOM!
7. Worst pickup line ever: “So…do you ALWAYS go to Asian parties?” Mostly everyone there was Asian, but come on…what a silly question. I always go to FUN parties, race/gender/type excluded!
8. Okay. Your pelvis is NOT a Moon Bounce, a trampoline, or a catapult. I do not want to bounce on and off of it.
9. (This one did not happen to me, but I saw it go down.) Don’t pass out all drunky in the middle of while you’re trying to get a girl to make out with you.
10. BONUS PARTY FOUL: LADIES’ EDITION. Ladies, ladies, gorgeous spunky ladies…how do you wear a skirt that barely covers your butt, plus sky-high stilettos, and expect that you will be able to dance? I watched chicks all night, frustrated while tugging at their bottom hems. I love you, ladies, but dress for yourselves, for comfort and fun!!! You’re hot anyway.
Maybe you are thinking “You asked for it — you shouldn’t have let them dance with you!”
In most cases, if a guy came over all icky-like, I would just wag an “I don’t think so” finger with a big smile and keep dancing alone or with Win. I don’t like dissing, so I felt like this was a semi nice way to do it. Who knows.
But in other cases…you just gotta try it out! You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your Grinding Prince!
Plus, I was with a friend, and she and I had that unspoken douchebag-block contract. And I always make sure I feel safe, no matter what…if not, I get out of the sitch super fast!!! Any excuse, even if it’s a lie, is a good one if it’ll help you get to safety. Don’t be afraid to use that cell phone, either!!! Okay, no more after-school-special schmaltz.
All that said, though, I think that next time I wanna dance hard, I’ll take it to the gay clubs. No offense, straight boys. <3
