So obviously I missed out on blogging on/about V-Day. I was busy with 2 live shows, and then I went away on a much-needed week-long vacation (anecdote to follow in my next post). But there are still a few days left in February, so I feel like I can get away with a belated boy rant.
Yeah, it seems really adolescent and also kind of who-cares to dish about the menz on the Internetz, but whatever! I have a platform, so why not?
Since I’m single (so very very single, ack) this V-Day, I’d like to focus on the phenomenon known as the Crush. Not the Jennifer Paige song, but that unrequited, secret display of intense romantic admiration. Usually my MO during any given crush is the following:
Meet guy.
Possibly sustain mild friendly-acquaintance-type relations.
Develop crush.
Crush HARD.
Never flirt with him and/or never tell guy in question that I dream about slow dancing with him to “Love Hurts” by Nazareth and eating chicken wings together, bathed in the soft blue glow of music videos (in my fantasies, there’s no such thing as Date My Mom or True Life: I’m A College Freshman).
Counter feelings of flirting inadequacy by outlining his most tantalizing traits and talking about him in a cocky, raunchy way to my girlfriends. My girlfriends howl appropriately and then whisper “Oh, he obviously likes you back.” Confidence is temporarily restored.
Continue crush to the point of sheer torture…he says my name, my face/neck/ears flush. He makes eye contact, my clinical strength deodorant goes into Code Red mode.
Look him up on Facebook and sigh dejectedly when girls write on his wall. Interpret every comment, even something as innocent as “What’s up?” to secretly mean “What’s up? So glad we made out for 4 hours. Let’s get married.”
When “Single” finally disappears on his Facebook profile, run complaining to my girlfriends about his womanizing ways and label him a male trollop.
Run into him sometime after, possibly having consumed a Coors Light or two, and tell him “WOW, I used to have this HUGE crush on you.” Take one look at his mortified face and bolt.
Don’t get me wrong. When I’m in a relationship, I am awesome. In fact, I don’t gloat about most things, but I will tell you for SURE that I am a great girlfriend. But crushes reduce me to human rice pudding. I don’t know why! Anyway, my top 5 crushes of the past year:
5. Exes and friends — now, this crush category is beyond dumb. It’s like, stop being his ex and get back together! Stop being his friend and make a move! It’s really way more complicated than that. The friend might have a girlfriend, or maybe he saw up your skirt in 2nd grade. The ex might just plain hate your guts, or maybe you hate his; regardless, even if you don’t hate each other, you still have that bizarro romantic history, full of neuroses and tics and weirdness. Knowing all of this, I still alternately daydream about past rendezvouses (is that a word?), or dream up rendezvouses in my head with people I’ve burped in front of. UGH!
4. Guys I meet when I’m supposed to be doing music stuff – This has already happened to me about 3 1/2 times. I’m supposed to be all profesh and then I get zonked on the head by Infatuation. I’m gonna just stop here before incriminating myself (on the other hand, given the above crush MO, it’s unlikely they will ever find out).
3. Age-incompatible babes (read: Hot Dads and Jailbait) — Who hasn’t seen a hot dad in the park wheeling a stroller and nearly fainted of dehy-dreamy-ation?! This kind of crush is probs 99.9% futile. My friend Christina and I have distracted ourselves from this statistic by making Hot Dad Hunting into a sport. I’ll text her, “Spotted: Hot Dad in Hoboken drinking a latte.” It’s really fun. As for the latter, it pains me the most. I visited my sister at college two weeks ago, and I kept oohing and aahing over the cute baby-faced man-boys. Right when I was about to say “Wow, where did all these attractive guys come from?” my sister frowned and said, “Let’s go, everyone here’s a freshman.” So yeah, gonna stay far away from all of that.
2. Exactly 2 celebrities — I’ve always loved Justin Theroux, character actor supreme (Strangers with Candy, Mulholland Drive, The Baxter, tons more), director (Dedication), writer (Tropic Thunder, Iron Man 2), and all-around freakin stud.
The more I discover, the more I love — went to a liberal arts college, lives in New York, rides a motorcycle, buys baked goods at weird art installations. SIGH!
The main reason I love him is because I read that the Dracula puppet musical subplot in FSM was based on real-life events: he actually wrote a Dracula puppet musical when he was 22! It’s theater-geek destiny; I, too, wrote a musical. My mom actually thinks I have a chance with him, which I find hilarious, especially since he hits big box-office jackpots in LA and I live in NJ with my parents.
1. Internet dating boys — THE most embarrassing to admit. Because with these guys, you’re not even crushing on a person. You are crushing on a few photos, (which could be from 10 years ago and/or Photoshopped) a written blurb (in which he could totally be lying about where he lives, what kind of job he has, his place on the spectrum of creeposity), and an account that may or may not be active. Worse, he could have a girlfriend, or a few girlfriends, or even be married! And yet, you stare at that same picture and ask it, “Why haven’t you replied to the message I sent you, oh dreamy collection of pixels?” You fixate on why he doesn’t like you back. Maybe he doesn’t like politically moderate girls? Maybe the smiley-face emoticon was too much?! And yet, while I realize the foolishness of what I’m doing, I still log on. It’s truly soul-sucking.
After reading this post back, I think I’ve decided that crushing of all variations is overrated and way stupid. I quit!
